Wednesday, 25 February 2015

I am Just In Love

I am embracing change in our family. I am embracing my role with the kids and with Jove specifically. Jove and I are growing together and I am just loving the stage he is at right now. It is so much fun. Occasionally, I get snuggles and they are wonderful. Lately he has been leading me to different rooms by holding my hand; he is on some sort of mission. I am also loving our alone time when I take him grocery shopping each week. We are growing together, and he is feeling more like mine than he ever has.

I am also embracing the changes that are coming in terms of education and lifestyle. Our kids did/do attend a local Waldorf School, it's why we moved to this town actually, but unschooling was my roots. Now Andrea is getting into that and reading a ton about it, which I still don't understand but more power to her, and we are thinking of heading that way. It will be met with challenges from many angles but I am liking the idea of having a more free form natural less rigid schedule. I only wish I had a more free form natural less rigid work schedule. I mean I have an AWESOME job and awesome employers, but if we are going more free form at home it would be nice to have a job that afforded me the opportunity to be home more during the day and able to play a more involved role in the kids's lives. Hopefully if, one day, I become a funeral director I will have that opportunity.

As far as having another baby goes. I am nearly positive we will have another one. I know Andrea will be having it, and it's now a matter of when. This future addition to our family is also exciting. I am liking the idea of having such a large family that we are essentially a community unto ourselves!

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Are you ever done?


This is all my kids. There's Jove, Matteo, Roman, Kahlan, and Remy. That's all 5 of them at the kitchen table having their lunch before they go out with Andrea to play at the park with some of the friends from school. I wish we had more family pictures. It's so nice to see all of them together. I love these non posed one's too. Roman's busy shoveling a a large forkful of something into his mouth. Jove is trying to steal someone's food no doubt. Matteo and Remy stare at the camera, wondering why it's there and what it's doing. This is them, this is who they are.

I don't feel done. I don't feel like our family is complete. I want more kids (the how of that is still an issue but let's just put that aside for now shall we?). Do you ever feel all done though? Like is there a point where you just know your family is complete and no one else is waiting somewhere in that cosmic space to come to you. I feel there are more waiting. I feel there are more meant for our family.

There's the issue of the van, and where they'd sleep, and finances, and oh so many other things. There are always so many reasons NOT to have more, yet there is one glaring reason saying YES. It's that feeling of love, that feeling of family. It's having a big family with so many people who love you with their entire existence, who would do anything for you. It's having deep connections to this world - not necessarily through blood, but through shared experiences and a shared upbringing. It's knowing there are others around who understand you on a level that no one else can because they have seen you through most of the stages of your life. I want a big family.

I always wanted 6 kids. It's how many my grandmother had and I also envied and wanted her life. I mean, I am no where near her life. She had the typical traditional family. My Grandfather was hired as a janitor at firestone and worked his way up to Manager of a whole region, she stayed at home and had chickens and made pie while raising her kids. That's what I wanted. I don't have that in many ways, but I can still have that feeling she created with her family and kids. There is a connection there. That feeling of family is what I want, and I don't want to be done having kids until I feel my family is complete. What if that never happens though? You can't have kids forever. And all the above logistic issues, and the whole who has the baby thing (I know I said we were gonna put that aside, but we can't entirely when talking about more kids in my family.)

I don't want the kids too far apart, I don't want to wait a long time. I want them all close together; originally I wanted my 6 18 months apart each. I don't know how we make this decision. I don't know whether to go with logistics or emotions. I, historically, go logistics - but that doesn't always pan out for me. Strictly emotionally speaking we would have more, 1 or 2, I would try to get pregnant and if that didn't work we would go to Andrea, but at least I would have tried. We would live where we are living now, as it is a gorgeous place to live and grow up, and we would raise our children there with a love for each other and a love for nature. Dreams...so many dreams....but then there is the vehicle and the sleeping arrangements.

I don't know. I simply just don't know.

Oh but we did tell our donor that we are thinking about more in the future...I'm anxious to hear if he would be willing to donate again and what he thinks...

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Becoming Okay with Being Sad

So we keep talking about having another one and I keep beating myself up over these sad feelings I am having. It's not, anymore, that I doubt that I will love him the same as the other kids. I don't even doubt that he will love me the same way he loves Andrea - or differently because we are different people, but we will still be his parents.

I think the sadness is more basic than those complex emotions. I think it just really comes down to the fact that I want to be pregnant, want to give birth, and want to nurse a baby. I want it and I can't have it. I am aware it's my own choice, although Andrea  has never outwardly agreed with my choice, I am sure she not only supports it she agrees that it's not a good idea for me to risk passing on my illness to a baby. I just want those things to the full core of my being, even typing it now makes me nearly cry; I want it that bad, and I don't know why - I can't explain it. I know, and I can remember it isn't all butterflies and roses and happy. Its being miserable and large and uncomfortable and pain and waking up lots etc. But I want. I want it all. I can't have it, and it physically hurts knowing that.

Having realized that though I think instead of trying to overcome those emotions, or push them aside or whatever, the healthier, smarter, and right thing to do is to embrace them and become okay with them. I don't think I am going to stop being upset over this. I think this will be something that I will regret for the rest of my life, regardless of if we have another one or not. I will always yearn for it and probably cry over not being able to do it. It is one of the greatest things I lost when I was diagnosed with a severe mental illness. I wasn't done with that side of the experience of having babies, but my hand was forced and I don't think I will ever fully get over it, and I think that's okay. I think when we lose something so important to us the grief never completely goes away, it's always around us a little bit, always hits us when we least expect it, and always in our minds. I think this is the same thing. I lost something the day I was diagnosed and I am only now beginning to deal with that loss in a full and complete way.

**For the record, yes I am crying as I type this**

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Sleep Revolution

Oh do we need one - in the most desperate of ways.

It's long been known by everyone that Jove only really goes to sleep for Andrea, and only when she is nursing him. If he falls asleep on my back, it is purely a mistake, it is not something that happens often, and I never expect it. Always needing to nurse to sleep is fine, it's something we can live with - well Andrea more so than myself as she is the one that has to do it, but it's the waking up every 40 minutes and only going back to sleep if she nurses him again that needs to change. He still sleeps in bed with us, for many reasons, but he is nursing all the time. In the evenings after he's gone to bed, but before we do, Andrea often tries to put him down so she can knit or have some free time - he, I bet 95% of the time, wakes up about 40 minutes later; screaming.

I have tried. He doesn't want anything to do with me at night. He doesn't like when I pat or rub his back, or his stomach, or his hair, he doesn't like when I try to shush him, or cuddle him close - he simply does not settle for me at night. Only she will do - and let me tell you she is getting exhausted. Because she is getting exhausting, she is not nursing him as much, combine that with his just random being awake at night for no reason, you get lots of crying, and neither of us sleeping all that much. I am sure him being tired doesn't help the situation.

I, in no way, think that she should wean him. I hope I am not implying that. I do think he needs to start learning how to fall asleep other ways - like maybe nurse him until he is almost asleep, and then not so he doesn't always expect a boob in his mouth. I would like Andrea to be able to get a break, and I would like us to be able to sleep. I would also like us to be able to have an evening where we don't have to talk in whispers, if at all, for fear of waking him up.

I think it's time for a revolution, unfortunately, I cannot lead the charge. I will simply follow.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Chicken Pox and No Sleep

So..Kahlan had chicken pox, she got it Christmas day. Then last week Remy got them. Then about 3 days ago Jove got them. Now I have never been through chicken pox before, but I had read, and I made the assumption that getting them as a baby would make them easier. Babies don't have the attention span to be itchy after all. With Kahlan and Remy, the pox were easy - hardly really noticed them at all, except for having to keep them home from school. Jove...Jove is a different story.

He is miserable. Yesterday night he was literally up all night screaming. Even if he was seemingly asleep, eyes closed and everything, he was screaming. It was awful. Last night was a bit better, we put some itch cream all over his chest and stomach, where it seemed to be bothering him the most, and he seemed to settle a bit after that. But man...the chicken pox and being tired all the time has not made him a happy baby these past few days. Ugh!

On a separate note, I have gotten lots of alone time with him the past while. I took him and the girls for a walk and then to the park on Saturday - we then had a timbit, Jove had his first one and after smashing his car into it a few times decided he would try eating it. I took him grocery shopping the next day, and then Andrea teaches a hand work class to kids on Thursday evenings so I get some time with him then. It's been nice. I am getting better at back wrapping, even though Andrea is going to kill me for making one of our most expensive wraps dirty (I also spilt coffee on it by accident). The best part is, he is starting to come willingly to me more. It's not just a case of me taking and distracting him, he's actually all right some of the time if we just sit together.

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Growth All Around

Well the holidays have passed. I was off from my normal job from December 25th-January 4th, but then I did another job which took my out of town from December 27th-December 30th. But I did get to be at home from then until back at work on the 5th. I think I made the best use of my time. I think I wore Jove just as much during that week off as I did the entire 8 months I was off from my other job. He actually fell asleep on my back twice! I even double hammocked him in the grocery store without too much trouble. My skills are improving and my comfort level is improving. We played together lots, and I think he grew to love me a little more. It was a nice break.

I also talked to Andrea about transitioning Jove to his own bed. She asked if it could be for just part of the night until a certain time and I said of course. With Jove being so clingy to Andrea during the day, and sleeping pressed up against her at night I am beginning to miss having more contact with her. I feel it's begun to affect our relationship. We used to be quite physical people, always cuddling or hand holding or something. We haven't been able to really have that side of our relationship for the past 14 months. I get it, and I know, that with babies those kinds of things happen, and they do need their primary caregivers etc. It honestly didn't even occur to me that it could be an issue at first. But for the past few months I have been finding that I am starting to feel negative feelings about him getting so much of her time. I feel bad for her never getting any solo time away from him, and yes, I feel sorry for myself as awful as that is. I don't, at all, want to break their bond or cause him to cry it out or anything, but I don't think 14months is too young to transition to a crib in our room for at least the beginning part of the night. I only hope it's an easy transition, however, I doubt it will be.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Babies Babies Everywhere

Everywhere I look and everything I see....there are babies. People pregnant, people having babies, people posting pictures of when their biggest were babies..it's all baby all the time. That has me, of course, thinking about babies and whether or not we will have one again.

I know I posted before about my desire to be pregnant and feeling like it's my turn, so to speak. But this entry is about what I'd do differently if we were to have another one, and if Andrea were to carry it again.


  • I'd make better friends or have a better understanding with the midwife. At Jove's birth they asked me to do a bunch of things for them. I understand that their focus is Andrea, but this is the birth of my child too and I think they forgot that. Plus it's a little bit different than a hetero relationship. I'd like to be more present with Andrea and less just doing what the midwives need me to do. 
  • I'd spend more time with Andrea during the birth. Rubbing her back, holding her hand or just sitting near her. I felt so distant from the whole process it was hard to feel involved. 
  • I'd look closer at the baby when it's born rather than being in a rush to hand it to Andrea. I know that's what you do, but I was in such a panic to get him to her that I didn't really look at him and take those moments in. 
  • I would be accepting of whatever feelings I felt or didn't feel. At Jove's birth I was judging and hating my feelings and thus spent our short alone time while Andrea was in the shower hating myself and crying. I would be more accepting of how I felt and instead of focussing on that I would focus on this new being who is my new son or daughter. 
  • I would do skin to skin daily with the baby and make it a priority. Apparently I did it a couple of times with Jove but I don't remember it. Everyone says how important and what a bonding experience it is, and I think I missed out by being so focussed on giving Andrea time with him. I didn't want to intervene, didn't think I should - I now realize I should have. 
  • I would wear the baby more. Enough said. 
  • I would encourage Andrea to return to normal life sooner. This is a hard one. It's not that I don't want her to stay in bed after birth and snuggle, she needs to, but by that same regard I need the time when the baby is little to sit and snuggle and do nothing. I need to learn about him/her, have it get to know my smell and my heartbeat and know that it can come to me for comfort. I need that time to do nothing too. 
  • I would recognize that the baby probably will be more attached to Andrea due to nursing and not look at that as a personal attack on me and my relationship with him/her. 
  • I would honour the journey I am on more, and be more gentle with myself. 

My relationship with Jove is coming along, just much slower than I anticipated that it would, and I think that's partially because of who he is, partially because of circumstance, and partially because of the things I did and didn't do when he was younger. I have learned, and that perhaps is the best gift he could ever give me. I have grown as a person because of this experience. I am recognizing where I made mistakes and I am learning to forgive myself for them. 

I am not sure if another baby is in our future, but I think it's important to look at my past with Jove and try to improve just in case it does happen for us again.