Friday, 5 June 2015

First Major Sickness

Jove was majorly sick for the first time. He wasn't sleeping - just screaming. Wasn't peeing, wasn't drinking water, had a fever of 102 for a couple of days, so Andrea took him into the walk in clinic. Turns out he had a double ear infection - poor little guy.

If I thought I couldn't do anything for him before, I definitely couldn't while he was sick. All he wanted was Andrea, and even while he was with her he would scream - in discomfort, in being sad, in all of those things.

It really hit me, while he was sick, how I am not the caregiver for him - and that has nothing to do with the NGP status. I don't look after him every day so when she asks me if I think he should go into the dr, I honestly don't know. I can't go on instincts I don't have because I'm not there to develop them day in and day out. When he is upset or in pain he goes to her because she is his constant, he trusts her more than anything in this world: including me. I was working, so I couldn't be there to take him to the dr. Even if I had, I wouldn't have been the one to hold him while the dr checked him out. It's not my role.

I am thoroughly enjoying where Jove and I are in our relationship. We are at a good place, and I treasure ever ounce of cuteness and love he gives me. There are time, however, where I lament being at work all day and missing out on so much that my son is doing, and so much of who is. I miss out on all the kids - and it's hard. With the kids that I gestated I was there primary caregiver when they were little, with the big boys I wasn't - but Andrea and I weren't together then so of course I wouldn't be. Jove is my first experience at not being the primary caregiver, and not gestating a child that I have had since birth. I feel like I am doing a disservice to myself. When I had kids, I wanted to stay at home with them - wanted to bake with them - wanted to read to them. Now when I come home at the end of the day I am tired, and I lose my patience easily because I am out of practice. I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know how to be a primary caregiver, and after this much time, I don't know that I could be again. That fact hurts.

I am trying to be grateful for the things that I have, and how lucky I am that I have found someone who is able to stay home with our kids, and that I have found work that can help support us. I am very lucky, at my core, I know this.

Friday, 15 May 2015

Honesty - A Confession

I have a confession and an announcement to make any dear readers who actually visit this blog....

I am polyamorous. This directly translates into many loves, and is a far cry from polygamy which is where a man takes many wives. Polyamory can take many forms - in my case it is in the form of a triad - one man and two women. There is a bit of a back story here so bare with me. The man involved with Andrea and I is the man that I originally married and had the girls with. We were a polyamorous triad 5 years ago, only we weren't ready for it then. We broke up, and we took a maturity break as we like to call it. During that time we didn't know and weren't planning on getting back together with him, his name is Craig. Andrea and I continued to plan our family, and planned Jove. Jove was conceived, born and things moved on. Then Craig entered our lives again and for the past year he has been living with us. We are at much better places in our lives and are able to handle the complexities of a committed relationship between 3 people better than we were before.

However, we all wanted another baby. All the posts here talking about having another were not just between Andrea and I, they were between the 3 of us. Except now there was a wrench in the plan - do we get the help from Adam again so that Jove has someone to accompany him on this donor child journey, or do we use Craig because, frankly, it is more convenient and a hell of a lot easier.

That's what we are deciding now. We did finally sit down, after some time to think individually on this baby issue, to hopefully conceive in November of this year. Though we still haven't decided on Craig or Adam. Much to my surprise Craig was pretty neutral and said he could be convinced either way. I thought he would be opposed to using Adam again, what with the manliness at all. Oddly enough, his only concern was what his involvement in the process would be. If we did it like last time I would be doing the insemming, and what would Craig do..he wanted a role. I could relate to that desperate cling for a role very easily. It was very mature and forward thinking of him. Andrea wants to use Adam so that Jove has someone going through the same things as he does, so he isn't alone. Me, I want to use Adam - but I also recognize the issues between having to now be honest with Adam about Craig, and we have no idea what his reaction will be, as well as Craig's role in the whole process (I don't want him to be left out), and using Craig would be a lot easier because of the lack of travel, planning etc needed if we need to make another trip to Vancouver. Plus we would be able to inseminate for many days in a row and not have to worry so closely about getting the ovulation day just right. However, Andrea has already bought a thermometer and we have started temping anyways just in case we do use Adam and need to have the timing right in 6 months.

Craig has the potential of being an NGP here...which is unusual I think. If we do use Adam, Craig will have the same role as me..only slightly different because he has never carried a child and so doesn't posses those same feelings I do and did. It will be interesting to potentially go on this journey with someone else. It would also be interesting to go on this NGP journey again if the baby is genetically related to both Craig and Andrea.

Always something new. Always more challenges. Always room to grow as a person.

So there you have it blog world - there is my confession and my announcement.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Seeing Adam Again

So Andrea and I took a trip over to Vancouver to see Adam and visit a school that Andrea is partially inspired by. We left all the kids, except Jove, at home this time. We bused into town and then met Adam at this huge park.

Jove was the center of attention, of course, and there was lots of chit chat but there was also a lot of awkward silences. It's hard to know what to talk about. On the one hand we are forever tied to this person, on the other hand he is essentially a stranger and we are at very different parts of our lives.

We are in our late 20's, yes Andrea - you are in your late 20's too, and raising kids in the country. We are surrounded by screaming, and diapers, and awed by their little hands and the things they say. He is nearing his 40's, his hair is greying, he has multiple degrees and lives on his own in a small apartment in the middle of the city. He has no kids, and looks as if he doesn't know how to be around them all that much.

He is such a nice guy though, he is genuine, kind, and very interested in health and a more off beat style of living - which we are also interested in. There was a lot of talk about Roman's interest in survivalism and the things that Adam knows.

Oddly enough, there was no mention, at all, of when we would conceive again. He didn't ask, we didn't offer - and that's probably for the best as that is not decided yet.

I wonder, often, what he thinks of us and if he approves. I mean, I know he must, or he wouldn't help us again - but at the same time what does he really think? Does he have this much contact with his other donor family? Does he wish we spoke more or less? I have so many questions that I just don't think you ask. It just doesn't feel appropriate and I don't want him to be put off.

I'm glad we saw him, I'm glad he and Jove got to see each other again. Jove goes to him with such ease, and they do look alike (which is weird). I still have weird feelings as I remember that he is genetically connected to a child I'm raising and I'm not. I still feel put off by the fact the contract we signed only involved him and Andrea - like I wasn't a part of this at all. It's still a weird relationship for me, one that I haven't sorted my feeling through yet.

Adam and Jove 

Thursday, 9 April 2015

He Said Yes

I meant to post this earlier but I guess I forgot. Our donor, Adam, said yes he would help us to have another baby should we decide to do that. Now there are just all those issues like the van and sleeping and when and everything.

In my ideal, Andrea would get pregnant this August - but for a variety of reasons, the logistics notwithstanding, that won't happen. I think Andrea's goal is a to get pregnant a year from now, so April 2016. That puts such an age gap between Jove and the next. You know, I do love babies, and yes they are a ton of work but I love toddlers, but I don't like spreading that work out. I'd rather get it all done in one go then just be ending or even over the toddler/pre school years and then start a whole new one. That just sounds like a recipe for frustration. If you are already in the throw of those ages and you add another, well, it doesn't make that much of a difference - you are already dealing with one child putting bananas in the drivers seat of his cars - whats another one? But I know Andrea doesn't feel that way. And I know, given that she is the primary caregiver, I kind of have to lean on what she wants. She is home with them, she does the care, she does the nursing and all the night time wakings - as much as I would love to help, so if she feels she needs a longer break or some breathing space than I have to respect that. I am trying - I really am.

I am trying, instead, to get other aspects of our life in order. Getting our credit in a good enough place so we can trade in our grand caravan for that 12 passenger van we saw - can't remember the name of it for the life of me now. Figuring out what we are doing with the kids' school, where we are going to live if our landlord asks us to leave after our lease ends here.

There are things that need to be done. But there are always things that will need to be done. It will never be the perfect time. I know, definitely, that we will disappoint and even make some people angry by having another, maybe two more. I await their words. But this is our family. I would rather have more kids and not be able to travel to Disneyland once a year than have to keep my family small just so I could partake in those apparent mandatory vacations. That's not the life I want. I want a big family, since having kids I have wanted a lot of them. I am working on not being made to feel like an awful mother, let alone an awful human being, for wanting so many kids. Such is life - people are always trying to bring you down.

Friday, 27 March 2015

The moments

  • The moment you realize that this little being is a person and will one day grow into a a full grown man, with scruffy facial hair.

  • The moment you realize how big of a role you have as parent and that the nature of their being is largely dependent on how you raise and love them.

  • The moment you realize how in such a short period of time you have given part of your heart away to yet another small being. 

  • The moment you realize that even though there were difficult times and tears - you wouldn't trade any of it for the world. 

  • The moment you realize that his joy is your joy.

  • All of this happened while this happened last night.....


I may have cried.
Oh being a mom, any kind of mom, hell, being a parent can be so intense sometimes. 

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

I am Just In Love

I am embracing change in our family. I am embracing my role with the kids and with Jove specifically. Jove and I are growing together and I am just loving the stage he is at right now. It is so much fun. Occasionally, I get snuggles and they are wonderful. Lately he has been leading me to different rooms by holding my hand; he is on some sort of mission. I am also loving our alone time when I take him grocery shopping each week. We are growing together, and he is feeling more like mine than he ever has.

I am also embracing the changes that are coming in terms of education and lifestyle. Our kids did/do attend a local Waldorf School, it's why we moved to this town actually, but unschooling was my roots. Now Andrea is getting into that and reading a ton about it, which I still don't understand but more power to her, and we are thinking of heading that way. It will be met with challenges from many angles but I am liking the idea of having a more free form natural less rigid schedule. I only wish I had a more free form natural less rigid work schedule. I mean I have an AWESOME job and awesome employers, but if we are going more free form at home it would be nice to have a job that afforded me the opportunity to be home more during the day and able to play a more involved role in the kids's lives. Hopefully if, one day, I become a funeral director I will have that opportunity.

As far as having another baby goes. I am nearly positive we will have another one. I know Andrea will be having it, and it's now a matter of when. This future addition to our family is also exciting. I am liking the idea of having such a large family that we are essentially a community unto ourselves!

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Are you ever done?

This is all my kids. There's Jove, Matteo, Roman, Kahlan, and Remy. That's all 5 of them at the kitchen table having their lunch before they go out with Andrea to play at the park with some of the friends from school. I wish we had more family pictures. It's so nice to see all of them together. I love these non posed one's too. Roman's busy shoveling a a large forkful of something into his mouth. Jove is trying to steal someone's food no doubt. Matteo and Remy stare at the camera, wondering why it's there and what it's doing. This is them, this is who they are.

I don't feel done. I don't feel like our family is complete. I want more kids (the how of that is still an issue but let's just put that aside for now shall we?). Do you ever feel all done though? Like is there a point where you just know your family is complete and no one else is waiting somewhere in that cosmic space to come to you. I feel there are more waiting. I feel there are more meant for our family.

There's the issue of the van, and where they'd sleep, and finances, and oh so many other things. There are always so many reasons NOT to have more, yet there is one glaring reason saying YES. It's that feeling of love, that feeling of family. It's having a big family with so many people who love you with their entire existence, who would do anything for you. It's having deep connections to this world - not necessarily through blood, but through shared experiences and a shared upbringing. It's knowing there are others around who understand you on a level that no one else can because they have seen you through most of the stages of your life. I want a big family.

I always wanted 6 kids. It's how many my grandmother had and I also envied and wanted her life. I mean, I am no where near her life. She had the typical traditional family. My Grandfather was hired as a janitor at firestone and worked his way up to Manager of a whole region, she stayed at home and had chickens and made pie while raising her kids. That's what I wanted. I don't have that in many ways, but I can still have that feeling she created with her family and kids. There is a connection there. That feeling of family is what I want, and I don't want to be done having kids until I feel my family is complete. What if that never happens though? You can't have kids forever. And all the above logistic issues, and the whole who has the baby thing (I know I said we were gonna put that aside, but we can't entirely when talking about more kids in my family.)

I don't want the kids too far apart, I don't want to wait a long time. I want them all close together; originally I wanted my 6 18 months apart each. I don't know how we make this decision. I don't know whether to go with logistics or emotions. I, historically, go logistics - but that doesn't always pan out for me. Strictly emotionally speaking we would have more, 1 or 2, I would try to get pregnant and if that didn't work we would go to Andrea, but at least I would have tried. We would live where we are living now, as it is a gorgeous place to live and grow up, and we would raise our children there with a love for each other and a love for nature. many dreams....but then there is the vehicle and the sleeping arrangements.

I don't know. I simply just don't know.

Oh but we did tell our donor that we are thinking about more in the future...I'm anxious to hear if he would be willing to donate again and what he thinks...