Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Sleep Revolution

Oh do we need one - in the most desperate of ways.

It's long been known by everyone that Jove only really goes to sleep for Andrea, and only when she is nursing him. If he falls asleep on my back, it is purely a mistake, it is not something that happens often, and I never expect it. Always needing to nurse to sleep is fine, it's something we can live with - well Andrea more so than myself as she is the one that has to do it, but it's the waking up every 40 minutes and only going back to sleep if she nurses him again that needs to change. He still sleeps in bed with us, for many reasons, but he is nursing all the time. In the evenings after he's gone to bed, but before we do, Andrea often tries to put him down so she can knit or have some free time - he, I bet 95% of the time, wakes up about 40 minutes later; screaming.

I have tried. He doesn't want anything to do with me at night. He doesn't like when I pat or rub his back, or his stomach, or his hair, he doesn't like when I try to shush him, or cuddle him close - he simply does not settle for me at night. Only she will do - and let me tell you she is getting exhausted. Because she is getting exhausting, she is not nursing him as much, combine that with his just random being awake at night for no reason, you get lots of crying, and neither of us sleeping all that much. I am sure him being tired doesn't help the situation.

I, in no way, think that she should wean him. I hope I am not implying that. I do think he needs to start learning how to fall asleep other ways - like maybe nurse him until he is almost asleep, and then not so he doesn't always expect a boob in his mouth. I would like Andrea to be able to get a break, and I would like us to be able to sleep. I would also like us to be able to have an evening where we don't have to talk in whispers, if at all, for fear of waking him up.

I think it's time for a revolution, unfortunately, I cannot lead the charge. I will simply follow.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Chicken Pox and No Sleep

So..Kahlan had chicken pox, she got it Christmas day. Then last week Remy got them. Then about 3 days ago Jove got them. Now I have never been through chicken pox before, but I had read, and I made the assumption that getting them as a baby would make them easier. Babies don't have the attention span to be itchy after all. With Kahlan and Remy, the pox were easy - hardly really noticed them at all, except for having to keep them home from school. Jove...Jove is a different story.

He is miserable. Yesterday night he was literally up all night screaming. Even if he was seemingly asleep, eyes closed and everything, he was screaming. It was awful. Last night was a bit better, we put some itch cream all over his chest and stomach, where it seemed to be bothering him the most, and he seemed to settle a bit after that. But man...the chicken pox and being tired all the time has not made him a happy baby these past few days. Ugh!

On a separate note, I have gotten lots of alone time with him the past while. I took him and the girls for a walk and then to the park on Saturday - we then had a timbit, Jove had his first one and after smashing his car into it a few times decided he would try eating it. I took him grocery shopping the next day, and then Andrea teaches a hand work class to kids on Thursday evenings so I get some time with him then. It's been nice. I am getting better at back wrapping, even though Andrea is going to kill me for making one of our most expensive wraps dirty (I also spilt coffee on it by accident). The best part is, he is starting to come willingly to me more. It's not just a case of me taking and distracting him, he's actually all right some of the time if we just sit together.

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Growth All Around

Well the holidays have passed. I was off from my normal job from December 25th-January 4th, but then I did another job which took my out of town from December 27th-December 30th. But I did get to be at home from then until back at work on the 5th. I think I made the best use of my time. I think I wore Jove just as much during that week off as I did the entire 8 months I was off from my other job. He actually fell asleep on my back twice! I even double hammocked him in the grocery store without too much trouble. My skills are improving and my comfort level is improving. We played together lots, and I think he grew to love me a little more. It was a nice break.

I also talked to Andrea about transitioning Jove to his own bed. She asked if it could be for just part of the night until a certain time and I said of course. With Jove being so clingy to Andrea during the day, and sleeping pressed up against her at night I am beginning to miss having more contact with her. I feel it's begun to affect our relationship. We used to be quite physical people, always cuddling or hand holding or something. We haven't been able to really have that side of our relationship for the past 14 months. I get it, and I know, that with babies those kinds of things happen, and they do need their primary caregivers etc. It honestly didn't even occur to me that it could be an issue at first. But for the past few months I have been finding that I am starting to feel negative feelings about him getting so much of her time. I feel bad for her never getting any solo time away from him, and yes, I feel sorry for myself as awful as that is. I don't, at all, want to break their bond or cause him to cry it out or anything, but I don't think 14months is too young to transition to a crib in our room for at least the beginning part of the night. I only hope it's an easy transition, however, I doubt it will be.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Babies Babies Everywhere

Everywhere I look and everything I see....there are babies. People pregnant, people having babies, people posting pictures of when their biggest were's all baby all the time. That has me, of course, thinking about babies and whether or not we will have one again.

I know I posted before about my desire to be pregnant and feeling like it's my turn, so to speak. But this entry is about what I'd do differently if we were to have another one, and if Andrea were to carry it again.

  • I'd make better friends or have a better understanding with the midwife. At Jove's birth they asked me to do a bunch of things for them. I understand that their focus is Andrea, but this is the birth of my child too and I think they forgot that. Plus it's a little bit different than a hetero relationship. I'd like to be more present with Andrea and less just doing what the midwives need me to do. 
  • I'd spend more time with Andrea during the birth. Rubbing her back, holding her hand or just sitting near her. I felt so distant from the whole process it was hard to feel involved. 
  • I'd look closer at the baby when it's born rather than being in a rush to hand it to Andrea. I know that's what you do, but I was in such a panic to get him to her that I didn't really look at him and take those moments in. 
  • I would be accepting of whatever feelings I felt or didn't feel. At Jove's birth I was judging and hating my feelings and thus spent our short alone time while Andrea was in the shower hating myself and crying. I would be more accepting of how I felt and instead of focussing on that I would focus on this new being who is my new son or daughter. 
  • I would do skin to skin daily with the baby and make it a priority. Apparently I did it a couple of times with Jove but I don't remember it. Everyone says how important and what a bonding experience it is, and I think I missed out by being so focussed on giving Andrea time with him. I didn't want to intervene, didn't think I should - I now realize I should have. 
  • I would wear the baby more. Enough said. 
  • I would encourage Andrea to return to normal life sooner. This is a hard one. It's not that I don't want her to stay in bed after birth and snuggle, she needs to, but by that same regard I need the time when the baby is little to sit and snuggle and do nothing. I need to learn about him/her, have it get to know my smell and my heartbeat and know that it can come to me for comfort. I need that time to do nothing too. 
  • I would recognize that the baby probably will be more attached to Andrea due to nursing and not look at that as a personal attack on me and my relationship with him/her. 
  • I would honour the journey I am on more, and be more gentle with myself. 

My relationship with Jove is coming along, just much slower than I anticipated that it would, and I think that's partially because of who he is, partially because of circumstance, and partially because of the things I did and didn't do when he was younger. I have learned, and that perhaps is the best gift he could ever give me. I have grown as a person because of this experience. I am recognizing where I made mistakes and I am learning to forgive myself for them. 

I am not sure if another baby is in our future, but I think it's important to look at my past with Jove and try to improve just in case it does happen for us again. 

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Another Small Victory

So we had my work Christmas party last night and all the kids came. In typical fashion the girls were social with everyone and anyone and the boys kind of stuck to us and themselves. It's pretty standard when we go places with people. Jove, for the first little bit, was up with Andrea and then with myself. I was talking to some of my co-workers and then were talking and making faces at him and he put his head down on my shoulder all shy and cutely. He even kept it there for a good long time. He NEVER does stuff like that. He only reserves the snuggles and everything for Andrea. It honestly felt like the biggest victory in the world at that moment and I swear I probably had the biggest most dorkiest smile on my face. Oh I could have just eaten him up. Once he got his Christmas present, a very cool firetruck, he pretty much went down and drove it up and down the hallway all night, all my coworkers thought that was just awesome.

But, I got snuggles, extended, in public, comfort seeking snuggles. Slowly...very slowly...

Wednesday, 10 December 2014


He isn't full out walking yet - though he could if he really wanted to. However, he certainly is doing the stereotypical toddler behaviour. He is pulling all the books off of all 3 bookshelves, trying to flush cars down the toilet, pushing chairs to the counter so he can play in the puppy water (that's up there so he doesn't get into it on the floor...), trying to throw himself into the woodstove, eating the ashes from the woodstove, and the list could go on and on and on.

It's like he has flipped some sort of toddler switch in the last week or so. On the one hand I welcome the change because usually with the change comes some independence and I think Andrea is really starting to need more of a break from constantly having to carry him and be with him all the time. On the other hand, venturing into toddlerhood is scary - because toddlers are crazy, and messy, and a ton of work and why oh why couldn't he wait until after Christmas when the tree is taken away! I just know that's going to be a disaster when we put it up!

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Precious Moments

Sleeping Together
 So the above happened last night. I so rarely, I can't remember the last time it happened, get to snuggle with him for extended periods of time. Andrea had set him down on the couch so she could go make cookies and he woke up so I went to him and picked up and settled him back down. He never settles for me. He most likely thought I was Andrea, but I don't care. I adjusted myself, laid down with him, and had a short nap. He stayed with me for almost 2 hours.

It was glorious. I may have cried a little - though I'm not entirely sure why, and before I fell asleep I may have stared at him. Just stared at him as he slept. I don't really get a chance to look at him when he is still, he is always moving. It was an amazing opportunity, and a wonderful moment.

I don't think I'll forget it.