Thursday, 18 December 2014

Another Small Victory

So we had my work Christmas party last night and all the kids came. In typical fashion the girls were social with everyone and anyone and the boys kind of stuck to us and themselves. It's pretty standard when we go places with people. Jove, for the first little bit, was up with Andrea and then with myself. I was talking to some of my co-workers and then were talking and making faces at him and he put his head down on my shoulder all shy and cutely. He even kept it there for a good long time. He NEVER does stuff like that. He only reserves the snuggles and everything for Andrea. It honestly felt like the biggest victory in the world at that moment and I swear I probably had the biggest most dorkiest smile on my face. Oh I could have just eaten him up. Once he got his Christmas present, a very cool firetruck, he pretty much went down and drove it up and down the hallway all night, all my coworkers thought that was just awesome.

But, I got snuggles, extended, in public, comfort seeking snuggles. Slowly...very slowly...

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Toddler-hood

He isn't full out walking yet - though he could if he really wanted to. However, he certainly is doing the stereotypical toddler behaviour. He is pulling all the books off of all 3 bookshelves, trying to flush cars down the toilet, pushing chairs to the counter so he can play in the puppy water (that's up there so he doesn't get into it on the floor...), trying to throw himself into the woodstove, eating the ashes from the woodstove, and the list could go on and on and on.

It's like he has flipped some sort of toddler switch in the last week or so. On the one hand I welcome the change because usually with the change comes some independence and I think Andrea is really starting to need more of a break from constantly having to carry him and be with him all the time. On the other hand, venturing into toddlerhood is scary - because toddlers are crazy, and messy, and a ton of work and why oh why couldn't he wait until after Christmas when the tree is taken away! I just know that's going to be a disaster when we put it up!

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Precious Moments

Sleeping Together
 So the above happened last night. I so rarely, rarely..like I can't remember the last time it happened, get to snuggle with him for extended periods of time. Andrea had set him down on the couch so she could go make cookies and he woke up so I went to him and picked up and settled him back down. He never settles for me. He most likely thought I was Andrea, but I don't care. I adjusted myself, laid down with him, and had a short nap. He stayed with me for almost 2 hours.

It was glorious. I may have cried a little - though I'm not entirely sure why, and before I fell asleep I may have stared at him. Just stared at him as he slept. I don't really get a chance to look at him when he is still, he is always moving. It was an amazing opportunity, and a wonderful moment.

I don't think I'll forget it.

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

First Words?

So apparently yesterday while I was at work Jove said his first word. We had the local cable trucks outside installing some lines on the new house we moved to and he was just entranced by them. He was laughing and giggling out the window at them. Evidently he looked right at them and said "car." That means two of our kids have had 'car' as their first word, Remy being the other one. I think I got him to say it this morning, but mornings are always a bit of a rush so it was hard to tell.

I can't believe he is saying his first words. I had figured his first word would be mama - as that's who he is obsessed with. Then again, Remy was obsessed with me and Mii Mii wasn't her first word. So who knows how they decide what to say. I was just wondering the other day when he would start speaking, and here it is! It's crazy to me.

Soon he will definitely no longer be a baby. Soon he will be toddling around, and actually playing with toys instead of just smashing them. Soon he will be eating more of his meals rather than throwing most of it on the ground for the dog. Before I know it, he will be big - like Roman and the rest of them. It's sad and amazing how quickly time passes and how big they get without you even realizing it.

We are trying, well Andrea is trying, to put together a really nice crib we got from a friend so he has his own place to sleep in. This will especially be helpful for naps, so that he can go down somewhere without worry of him falling off and hurting himself. Unfortunately, we still can't figure out how to put it together - we're the ones who took it apart even, but it's like it's not even close to the right pieces to go back together. I don't get construction.

Life continues on. I've been back at work for 1.5weeks now, and it's weird. I am adjusting to being at work, but I have not adjusted to coming home from work yet. I still find it hard to go from the orderly, mostly quiet office to the chaotic loud house. It was easier being in the chaos when you were in and surrounded by it the whole day. Going back and forth is a hard transition. I don't remember if I ever really got the hang of it when I was working full time before. I also hate, even though I can't handle the chaos, that I really only get 1.5hours with 2 of the kids, and 2 hours with the other 2 (Jove goes to bed whenever he feels like it lol) every day. In the morning, like I said, is a rush so there is no time. And when I get home it's dinner, and then one of them has a bath, and then it's teeth brushing, and there is very little time. I don't know. Given my lack of patience now that I am working, maybe it's better this way.

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Did I Waste the Last 8 Months?!?

So I went back to work yesterday. A full time job. 8-430, Monday to Friday. Then on Saturdays I take the boys to Nanaimo to visit with their dad. So I'm pretty much gone 6 days a week. I have been home for 8 months. I have had a few random jobs here and there, but nothing full time like this since the end of February. In that 8 months I feel like I should have developed a solid relationship with Jove. I feel like I was given an opportunity, albeit it came from poor mental health, to do something that not all NGP's or working parents are given the opportunity to do.

And I feel like I wasted it.

Jove doesn't look to me. He doesn't come to me. Not saying he doesn't like me, I know he likes me. But I don't feel I've gained anything in this 8 months that I was home with him every day. Instead I feel like I have just realized how much he doesn't need or even want me. Maybe that's just the type of kid he is. Maybe he is just a really big mama's boy. But when Craig comes home from work, or Dave comes over on weekends - he launches to them to see them and go up with them. He doesn't do that with me. I feel a distant third or fourth - and I know, I know, it's not about favourites or ranking or any of that stuff - but it's still hard. It's so hard to realize how not needed or wanted you are by your own child. He is supposed to be my child too, and I feel I am constantly fighting for him to even feel a tiny bit like it.

Sometimes I think we went about this all wrong. I've now read several other lesbian baby blogs or NGP blogs and they have all given tips - and we didn't follow or do any of them. We didn't have anything that just I did (bath time, a special song, etc), we never set up comfort routines that I was a part of, we never really pushed for me to do any of that stuff. What we did was have a baby and I think Andrea did what she was used to doing when she had kids in a hetero relationship, and I did what I thought the 'other' parent was supposed to do and figured that I would just grow into the role like most dads must grow into it. Except it's been a year and I still haven't grown into it. I feel like Craig and Dave are more of an 'other' parent than I am to Jove. It hurts - to be honest. It's the prime reason that I don't think I can have any more kids. I don't know that I can go through this again. I wanted to have Jove so badly, and I wanted a baby with Andrea so desperately - I wanted to share that with her, and I'm doing something wrong, and can't seem to right it after a year. I don't even know how to go about fixing it now. I think this is just going to be one of those relationships that maybe doesn't blossom or bloom until he is much older. If that's the way he wants it, then that's the way it has to be.

I wish we had done so many things differently. I wish I had done so many things differently. I wish I had fought for a role more. I wish I hadn't assumed that it would just happen on it's own. Now I sit fourth in line.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Happy Birth Day

Jove is 1. Holy crap he is one.

I can't believe a whole year has gone by since that infamous birth where nothing worked like it was supposed to. Where I was terrified because the birth pool couldn't be set up. Where the midwives made me feel those feelings I still can't put my finger on.

A whole year of this little person. He has grown so much! Though not much in the way of hair - he is still quite bald!

Our donor is half Polish, born in Poland actually - so Jove is first generation Canadian. Part of the first year traditions for Polish children on their first birthday is to set three items in front of them: a shot glass (symbolizing social behaviour), Rosary Beads (symbolizing spirituality), and a coin (symbolizing financial interest). They say that whichever item the child gravitates to indicates their interests as they get older. Our donor on his first birthday chose the coin, and weirdly enough he works in finances and economics. Jove immediately went to the shot glass. Like, right away! It makes sense for him, at least right now, because when we are out in public he is so social and just absolutely loves other people. He kind of played with the coin, but cared nothing for the beads and just threw them away. I guess spirituality isn't at the top of his list of priorities.

Andrea's parents came out for his birthday, and we enjoyed his favourite meal (chilli), and had muffins instead of cake - a tradition in our house. He got some socks, balls, a push toy, a giant tiger, and of course his very own baby that was specially made for him. All of our kids received one on their first birthdays.

Andrea spent the day quietly, deep in thought I would imagine. I also spent the day in thought. This past year I have experienced what it's like to be an NGP. I have grown in ways I have never imagined. It has been challenging in ways I never anticipated, and I am still learning how to be in this role, still learning how to be a proper parent to Jove. Given that I have children of all sorts: step, bio, NGP - I don't think I will ever stop learning how to be a parent. Maybe no matter what kind of parent you are you never stop learning - who knows.

Here are some pictures of my boy :)

All of my gorgeous kidlets




Jove in his birthday crown

Monday, 22 September 2014

Progress?

He actually slept near me last night, and held my hand while he slept. He never does that - ever. He usually won't even come near me at night except by complete accident and then he swiftly rolls back to Andrea. Baby Steps.

Tiny Baby Sized Steps....