Monday, 17 August 2015

Is it over?

So I wrote not too long ago about how babywearing was mine and Jove's thing. It has been what grew our relationship and what really bonded us. It is where I felt closest to him and that I was nurturing him an an attachment sort of way. It's what most made me feel like a mother rather than a caregiver.

I usually take him grocery shopping with me every weekend. It's like our date, and every week I wrap him. The past two weeks I haven't been able to. Before we get to the grocery store he is already yelling for Andrea, and if I can get past that mood of his when I try to wrap him he just yells no (I know, I know, he's a toddler and they love that word), and throws himself back in his car seat. Or he just screams as I am trying to wrap him. So he has sat in the little seat at the front of the cart. Yes, we still have fun (for the most part - he is a toddler and they love to touch things), but there isn't that same bonding and attachment that we get from babywearing.

I know he is getting older, and I knew that one day our wearing days would slowly come to a close. I honestly didn't think it would come this soon and I am worried it has begun. I am worried about how I will continue to attach to him, and him to me. He doesn't come to me for comfort or anything. I am a great play mate. We have fun, we drive cars, he jumps off of my various body parts - but I don't nurture.

Maybe this is just a phase, maybe I just need to keep at it. I don't know. I do know I am sad. I am sad at losing this.



Plus I have some really pretty wraps that I don't want to sell ;)

Monday, 10 August 2015

Normalcy

I just love the crap out of this little guy. Seriously he is the cutest toddler in the world, and I would have 18 more of him in a flash. He loves to be naked, never wears shoes, takes me on adventures and loves to go up with me. I get the laughs, and the tickles and the smiles and all the good things. I still can't comfort him, and he is still very reliant on Andrea, but his independence is now going in waves. 

His vocabulary is expanding. Everything is said in toddler-ease which is a language no one but a toddler can replicate, and man does he have it mastered. His tastes in food are also very toddler-esque - they change day to day, moment to moment. He also won't drink anything other than water in his water bottle; though he will gladly drink coffee out of my cup. 

We have been through immense changes since I last wrote. We were kicked out of our old place a week before we had to be. Seriously, our landlord went insane and was threatening us and walking around the house yelling. We moved the entire house in 4 hours! We stayed at Andrea's dad's before we could move into our new place. We got a new kitty - who is as of yet unnamed. I am commuting to our old town every day for work, Andrea is starting her education center - things are just blossoming for our family. 

The question of whether to have another is still on the table. 5 is a lot of work - yes, and so would 6. Jove is a handful and Andrea is feeling all done with nursing him and I doubt wants to sign up for the long haul again. Though I could, theoretically, nurse a new baby which would add a whole new element to the relationship. There are logistical reasons, and emotional reasons both for and against having one more. It feels like an almost impossible decision to make. 

For now we are so so happy with Jove, and our family, and our lives. It's nice to be in some semblance of routine and normal. 









Friday, 5 June 2015

First Major Sickness

Jove was majorly sick for the first time. He wasn't sleeping - just screaming. Wasn't peeing, wasn't drinking water, had a fever of 102 for a couple of days, so Andrea took him into the walk in clinic. Turns out he had a double ear infection - poor little guy.

If I thought I couldn't do anything for him before, I definitely couldn't while he was sick. All he wanted was Andrea, and even while he was with her he would scream - in discomfort, in being sad, in all of those things.

It really hit me, while he was sick, how I am not the caregiver for him - and that has nothing to do with the NGP status. I don't look after him every day so when she asks me if I think he should go into the dr, I honestly don't know. I can't go on instincts I don't have because I'm not there to develop them day in and day out. When he is upset or in pain he goes to her because she is his constant, he trusts her more than anything in this world: including me. I was working, so I couldn't be there to take him to the dr. Even if I had, I wouldn't have been the one to hold him while the dr checked him out. It's not my role.

I am thoroughly enjoying where Jove and I are in our relationship. We are at a good place, and I treasure ever ounce of cuteness and love he gives me. There are time, however, where I lament being at work all day and missing out on so much that my son is doing, and so much of who is. I miss out on all the kids - and it's hard. With the kids that I gestated I was there primary caregiver when they were little, with the big boys I wasn't - but Andrea and I weren't together then so of course I wouldn't be. Jove is my first experience at not being the primary caregiver, and not gestating a child that I have had since birth. I feel like I am doing a disservice to myself. When I had kids, I wanted to stay at home with them - wanted to bake with them - wanted to read to them. Now when I come home at the end of the day I am tired, and I lose my patience easily because I am out of practice. I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know how to be a primary caregiver, and after this much time, I don't know that I could be again. That fact hurts.

I am trying to be grateful for the things that I have, and how lucky I am that I have found someone who is able to stay home with our kids, and that I have found work that can help support us. I am very lucky, at my core, I know this.

Friday, 15 May 2015

Honesty - A Confession

I have a confession and an announcement to make any dear readers who actually visit this blog....

I am polyamorous. This directly translates into many loves, and is a far cry from polygamy which is where a man takes many wives. Polyamory can take many forms - in my case it is in the form of a triad - one man and two women. There is a bit of a back story here so bare with me. The man involved with Andrea and I is the man that I originally married and had the girls with. We were a polyamorous triad 5 years ago, only we weren't ready for it then. We broke up, and we took a maturity break as we like to call it. During that time we didn't know and weren't planning on getting back together with him, his name is Craig. Andrea and I continued to plan our family, and planned Jove. Jove was conceived, born and things moved on. Then Craig entered our lives again and for the past year he has been living with us. We are at much better places in our lives and are able to handle the complexities of a committed relationship between 3 people better than we were before.

However, we all wanted another baby. All the posts here talking about having another were not just between Andrea and I, they were between the 3 of us. Except now there was a wrench in the plan - do we get the help from Adam again so that Jove has someone to accompany him on this donor child journey, or do we use Craig because, frankly, it is more convenient and a hell of a lot easier.

That's what we are deciding now. We did finally sit down, after some time to think individually on this baby issue, to hopefully conceive in November of this year. Though we still haven't decided on Craig or Adam. Much to my surprise Craig was pretty neutral and said he could be convinced either way. I thought he would be opposed to using Adam again, what with the manliness at all. Oddly enough, his only concern was what his involvement in the process would be. If we did it like last time I would be doing the insemming, and what would Craig do..he wanted a role. I could relate to that desperate cling for a role very easily. It was very mature and forward thinking of him. Andrea wants to use Adam so that Jove has someone going through the same things as he does, so he isn't alone. Me, I want to use Adam - but I also recognize the issues between having to now be honest with Adam about Craig, and we have no idea what his reaction will be, as well as Craig's role in the whole process (I don't want him to be left out), and using Craig would be a lot easier because of the lack of travel, planning etc needed if we need to make another trip to Vancouver. Plus we would be able to inseminate for many days in a row and not have to worry so closely about getting the ovulation day just right. However, Andrea has already bought a thermometer and we have started temping anyways just in case we do use Adam and need to have the timing right in 6 months.

Craig has the potential of being an NGP here...which is unusual I think. If we do use Adam, Craig will have the same role as me..only slightly different because he has never carried a child and so doesn't posses those same feelings I do and did. It will be interesting to potentially go on this journey with someone else. It would also be interesting to go on this NGP journey again if the baby is genetically related to both Craig and Andrea.

Always something new. Always more challenges. Always room to grow as a person.

So there you have it blog world - there is my confession and my announcement.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Seeing Adam Again

So Andrea and I took a trip over to Vancouver to see Adam and visit a school that Andrea is partially inspired by. We left all the kids, except Jove, at home this time. We bused into town and then met Adam at this huge park.

Jove was the center of attention, of course, and there was lots of chit chat but there was also a lot of awkward silences. It's hard to know what to talk about. On the one hand we are forever tied to this person, on the other hand he is essentially a stranger and we are at very different parts of our lives.

We are in our late 20's, yes Andrea - you are in your late 20's too, and raising kids in the country. We are surrounded by screaming, and diapers, and awed by their little hands and the things they say. He is nearing his 40's, his hair is greying, he has multiple degrees and lives on his own in a small apartment in the middle of the city. He has no kids, and looks as if he doesn't know how to be around them all that much.

He is such a nice guy though, he is genuine, kind, and very interested in health and a more off beat style of living - which we are also interested in. There was a lot of talk about Roman's interest in survivalism and the things that Adam knows.

Oddly enough, there was no mention, at all, of when we would conceive again. He didn't ask, we didn't offer - and that's probably for the best as that is not decided yet.

I wonder, often, what he thinks of us and if he approves. I mean, I know he must, or he wouldn't help us again - but at the same time what does he really think? Does he have this much contact with his other donor family? Does he wish we spoke more or less? I have so many questions that I just don't think you ask. It just doesn't feel appropriate and I don't want him to be put off.

I'm glad we saw him, I'm glad he and Jove got to see each other again. Jove goes to him with such ease, and they do look alike (which is weird). I still have weird feelings as I remember that he is genetically connected to a child I'm raising and I'm not. I still feel put off by the fact the contract we signed only involved him and Andrea - like I wasn't a part of this at all. It's still a weird relationship for me, one that I haven't sorted my feeling through yet.

Adam and Jove 

Thursday, 9 April 2015

He Said Yes

I meant to post this earlier but I guess I forgot. Our donor, Adam, said yes he would help us to have another baby should we decide to do that. Now there are just all those issues like the van and sleeping and when and everything.

In my ideal, Andrea would get pregnant this August - but for a variety of reasons, the logistics notwithstanding, that won't happen. I think Andrea's goal is a to get pregnant a year from now, so April 2016. That puts such an age gap between Jove and the next. You know, I do love babies, and yes they are a ton of work but I love toddlers, but I don't like spreading that work out. I'd rather get it all done in one go then just be ending or even over the toddler/pre school years and then start a whole new one. That just sounds like a recipe for frustration. If you are already in the throw of those ages and you add another, well, it doesn't make that much of a difference - you are already dealing with one child putting bananas in the drivers seat of his cars - whats another one? But I know Andrea doesn't feel that way. And I know, given that she is the primary caregiver, I kind of have to lean on what she wants. She is home with them, she does the care, she does the nursing and all the night time wakings - as much as I would love to help, so if she feels she needs a longer break or some breathing space than I have to respect that. I am trying - I really am.

I am trying, instead, to get other aspects of our life in order. Getting our credit in a good enough place so we can trade in our grand caravan for that 12 passenger van we saw - can't remember the name of it for the life of me now. Figuring out what we are doing with the kids' school, where we are going to live if our landlord asks us to leave after our lease ends here.

There are things that need to be done. But there are always things that will need to be done. It will never be the perfect time. I know, definitely, that we will disappoint and even make some people angry by having another, maybe two more. I await their words. But this is our family. I would rather have more kids and not be able to travel to Disneyland once a year than have to keep my family small just so I could partake in those apparent mandatory vacations. That's not the life I want. I want a big family, since having kids I have wanted a lot of them. I am working on not being made to feel like an awful mother, let alone an awful human being, for wanting so many kids. Such is life - people are always trying to bring you down.


Friday, 27 March 2015

The moments


  • The moment you realize that this little being is a person and will one day grow into a a full grown man, with scruffy facial hair.



  • The moment you realize how big of a role you have as parent and that the nature of their being is largely dependent on how you raise and love them.



  • The moment you realize how in such a short period of time you have given part of your heart away to yet another small being. 



  • The moment you realize that even though there were difficult times and tears - you wouldn't trade any of it for the world. 



  • The moment you realize that his joy is your joy.


  • All of this happened while this happened last night.....

video

I may have cried.
Oh being a mom, any kind of mom, hell, being a parent can be so intense sometimes.