Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Seeing Adam Again

So Andrea and I took a trip over to Vancouver to see Adam and visit a school that Andrea is partially inspired by. We left all the kids, except Jove, at home this time. We bused into town and then met Adam at this huge park.

Jove was the center of attention, of course, and there was lots of chit chat but there was also a lot of awkward silences. It's hard to know what to talk about. On the one hand we are forever tied to this person, on the other hand he is essentially a stranger and we are at very different parts of our lives.

We are in our late 20's, yes Andrea - you are in your late 20's too, and raising kids in the country. We are surrounded by screaming, and diapers, and awed by their little hands and the things they say. He is nearing his 40's, his hair is greying, he has multiple degrees and lives on his own in a small apartment in the middle of the city. He has no kids, and looks as if he doesn't know how to be around them all that much.

He is such a nice guy though, he is genuine, kind, and very interested in health and a more off beat style of living - which we are also interested in. There was a lot of talk about Roman's interest in survivalism and the things that Adam knows.

Oddly enough, there was no mention, at all, of when we would conceive again. He didn't ask, we didn't offer - and that's probably for the best as that is not decided yet.

I wonder, often, what he thinks of us and if he approves. I mean, I know he must, or he wouldn't help us again - but at the same time what does he really think? Does he have this much contact with his other donor family? Does he wish we spoke more or less? I have so many questions that I just don't think you ask. It just doesn't feel appropriate and I don't want him to be put off.

I'm glad we saw him, I'm glad he and Jove got to see each other again. Jove goes to him with such ease, and they do look alike (which is weird). I still have weird feelings as I remember that he is genetically connected to a child I'm raising and I'm not. I still feel put off by the fact the contract we signed only involved him and Andrea - like I wasn't a part of this at all. It's still a weird relationship for me, one that I haven't sorted my feeling through yet.

Adam and Jove 

Thursday, 9 April 2015

He Said Yes

I meant to post this earlier but I guess I forgot. Our donor, Adam, said yes he would help us to have another baby should we decide to do that. Now there are just all those issues like the van and sleeping and when and everything.

In my ideal, Andrea would get pregnant this August - but for a variety of reasons, the logistics notwithstanding, that won't happen. I think Andrea's goal is a to get pregnant a year from now, so April 2016. That puts such an age gap between Jove and the next. You know, I do love babies, and yes they are a ton of work but I love toddlers, but I don't like spreading that work out. I'd rather get it all done in one go then just be ending or even over the toddler/pre school years and then start a whole new one. That just sounds like a recipe for frustration. If you are already in the throw of those ages and you add another, well, it doesn't make that much of a difference - you are already dealing with one child putting bananas in the drivers seat of his cars - whats another one? But I know Andrea doesn't feel that way. And I know, given that she is the primary caregiver, I kind of have to lean on what she wants. She is home with them, she does the care, she does the nursing and all the night time wakings - as much as I would love to help, so if she feels she needs a longer break or some breathing space than I have to respect that. I am trying - I really am.

I am trying, instead, to get other aspects of our life in order. Getting our credit in a good enough place so we can trade in our grand caravan for that 12 passenger van we saw - can't remember the name of it for the life of me now. Figuring out what we are doing with the kids' school, where we are going to live if our landlord asks us to leave after our lease ends here.

There are things that need to be done. But there are always things that will need to be done. It will never be the perfect time. I know, definitely, that we will disappoint and even make some people angry by having another, maybe two more. I await their words. But this is our family. I would rather have more kids and not be able to travel to Disneyland once a year than have to keep my family small just so I could partake in those apparent mandatory vacations. That's not the life I want. I want a big family, since having kids I have wanted a lot of them. I am working on not being made to feel like an awful mother, let alone an awful human being, for wanting so many kids. Such is life - people are always trying to bring you down.


Friday, 27 March 2015

The moments


  • The moment you realize that this little being is a person and will one day grow into a a full grown man, with scruffy facial hair.



  • The moment you realize how big of a role you have as parent and that the nature of their being is largely dependent on how you raise and love them.



  • The moment you realize how in such a short period of time you have given part of your heart away to yet another small being. 



  • The moment you realize that even though there were difficult times and tears - you wouldn't trade any of it for the world. 



  • The moment you realize that his joy is your joy.


  • All of this happened while this happened last night.....

video

I may have cried.
Oh being a mom, any kind of mom, hell, being a parent can be so intense sometimes. 

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

I am Just In Love

I am embracing change in our family. I am embracing my role with the kids and with Jove specifically. Jove and I are growing together and I am just loving the stage he is at right now. It is so much fun. Occasionally, I get snuggles and they are wonderful. Lately he has been leading me to different rooms by holding my hand; he is on some sort of mission. I am also loving our alone time when I take him grocery shopping each week. We are growing together, and he is feeling more like mine than he ever has.

I am also embracing the changes that are coming in terms of education and lifestyle. Our kids did/do attend a local Waldorf School, it's why we moved to this town actually, but unschooling was my roots. Now Andrea is getting into that and reading a ton about it, which I still don't understand but more power to her, and we are thinking of heading that way. It will be met with challenges from many angles but I am liking the idea of having a more free form natural less rigid schedule. I only wish I had a more free form natural less rigid work schedule. I mean I have an AWESOME job and awesome employers, but if we are going more free form at home it would be nice to have a job that afforded me the opportunity to be home more during the day and able to play a more involved role in the kids's lives. Hopefully if, one day, I become a funeral director I will have that opportunity.

As far as having another baby goes. I am nearly positive we will have another one. I know Andrea will be having it, and it's now a matter of when. This future addition to our family is also exciting. I am liking the idea of having such a large family that we are essentially a community unto ourselves!

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Are you ever done?


This is all my kids. There's Jove, Matteo, Roman, Kahlan, and Remy. That's all 5 of them at the kitchen table having their lunch before they go out with Andrea to play at the park with some of the friends from school. I wish we had more family pictures. It's so nice to see all of them together. I love these non posed one's too. Roman's busy shoveling a a large forkful of something into his mouth. Jove is trying to steal someone's food no doubt. Matteo and Remy stare at the camera, wondering why it's there and what it's doing. This is them, this is who they are.

I don't feel done. I don't feel like our family is complete. I want more kids (the how of that is still an issue but let's just put that aside for now shall we?). Do you ever feel all done though? Like is there a point where you just know your family is complete and no one else is waiting somewhere in that cosmic space to come to you. I feel there are more waiting. I feel there are more meant for our family.

There's the issue of the van, and where they'd sleep, and finances, and oh so many other things. There are always so many reasons NOT to have more, yet there is one glaring reason saying YES. It's that feeling of love, that feeling of family. It's having a big family with so many people who love you with their entire existence, who would do anything for you. It's having deep connections to this world - not necessarily through blood, but through shared experiences and a shared upbringing. It's knowing there are others around who understand you on a level that no one else can because they have seen you through most of the stages of your life. I want a big family.

I always wanted 6 kids. It's how many my grandmother had and I also envied and wanted her life. I mean, I am no where near her life. She had the typical traditional family. My Grandfather was hired as a janitor at firestone and worked his way up to Manager of a whole region, she stayed at home and had chickens and made pie while raising her kids. That's what I wanted. I don't have that in many ways, but I can still have that feeling she created with her family and kids. There is a connection there. That feeling of family is what I want, and I don't want to be done having kids until I feel my family is complete. What if that never happens though? You can't have kids forever. And all the above logistic issues, and the whole who has the baby thing (I know I said we were gonna put that aside, but we can't entirely when talking about more kids in my family.)

I don't want the kids too far apart, I don't want to wait a long time. I want them all close together; originally I wanted my 6 18 months apart each. I don't know how we make this decision. I don't know whether to go with logistics or emotions. I, historically, go logistics - but that doesn't always pan out for me. Strictly emotionally speaking we would have more, 1 or 2, I would try to get pregnant and if that didn't work we would go to Andrea, but at least I would have tried. We would live where we are living now, as it is a gorgeous place to live and grow up, and we would raise our children there with a love for each other and a love for nature. Dreams...so many dreams....but then there is the vehicle and the sleeping arrangements.

I don't know. I simply just don't know.

Oh but we did tell our donor that we are thinking about more in the future...I'm anxious to hear if he would be willing to donate again and what he thinks...

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Becoming Okay with Being Sad

So we keep talking about having another one and I keep beating myself up over these sad feelings I am having. It's not, anymore, that I doubt that I will love him the same as the other kids. I don't even doubt that he will love me the same way he loves Andrea - or differently because we are different people, but we will still be his parents.

I think the sadness is more basic than those complex emotions. I think it just really comes down to the fact that I want to be pregnant, want to give birth, and want to nurse a baby. I want it and I can't have it. I am aware it's my own choice, although Andrea  has never outwardly agreed with my choice, I am sure she not only supports it she agrees that it's not a good idea for me to risk passing on my illness to a baby. I just want those things to the full core of my being, even typing it now makes me nearly cry; I want it that bad, and I don't know why - I can't explain it. I know, and I can remember it isn't all butterflies and roses and happy. Its being miserable and large and uncomfortable and pain and waking up lots etc. But I want. I want it all. I can't have it, and it physically hurts knowing that.

Having realized that though I think instead of trying to overcome those emotions, or push them aside or whatever, the healthier, smarter, and right thing to do is to embrace them and become okay with them. I don't think I am going to stop being upset over this. I think this will be something that I will regret for the rest of my life, regardless of if we have another one or not. I will always yearn for it and probably cry over not being able to do it. It is one of the greatest things I lost when I was diagnosed with a severe mental illness. I wasn't done with that side of the experience of having babies, but my hand was forced and I don't think I will ever fully get over it, and I think that's okay. I think when we lose something so important to us the grief never completely goes away, it's always around us a little bit, always hits us when we least expect it, and always in our minds. I think this is the same thing. I lost something the day I was diagnosed and I am only now beginning to deal with that loss in a full and complete way.

**For the record, yes I am crying as I type this**

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Sleep Revolution

Oh do we need one - in the most desperate of ways.

It's long been known by everyone that Jove only really goes to sleep for Andrea, and only when she is nursing him. If he falls asleep on my back, it is purely a mistake, it is not something that happens often, and I never expect it. Always needing to nurse to sleep is fine, it's something we can live with - well Andrea more so than myself as she is the one that has to do it, but it's the waking up every 40 minutes and only going back to sleep if she nurses him again that needs to change. He still sleeps in bed with us, for many reasons, but he is nursing all the time. In the evenings after he's gone to bed, but before we do, Andrea often tries to put him down so she can knit or have some free time - he, I bet 95% of the time, wakes up about 40 minutes later; screaming.

I have tried. He doesn't want anything to do with me at night. He doesn't like when I pat or rub his back, or his stomach, or his hair, he doesn't like when I try to shush him, or cuddle him close - he simply does not settle for me at night. Only she will do - and let me tell you she is getting exhausted. Because she is getting exhausting, she is not nursing him as much, combine that with his just random being awake at night for no reason, you get lots of crying, and neither of us sleeping all that much. I am sure him being tired doesn't help the situation.

I, in no way, think that she should wean him. I hope I am not implying that. I do think he needs to start learning how to fall asleep other ways - like maybe nurse him until he is almost asleep, and then not so he doesn't always expect a boob in his mouth. I would like Andrea to be able to get a break, and I would like us to be able to sleep. I would also like us to be able to have an evening where we don't have to talk in whispers, if at all, for fear of waking him up.

I think it's time for a revolution, unfortunately, I cannot lead the charge. I will simply follow.