Monday, 4 January 2016

Choosing Joy

I made a New Years Resolution to choose joy. In every moment, including the hard ones. This is a hard one but I want to choose joy. I want to go into this experience, however it happens or was meant to happen with a different outlook than I did the first time. I looked at my last experience - not J, not the pregnancy, but just MY experience as something that was being done *to* me as opposed to something I was participating in. I want it to be different. I want to be able to take things moment by moment, day by day. There will be hard times I know it, but there will also be miraculous times, and even many boring times. I want to live each moment as it is and not make it into something simply because I can.

That being said, since our last talk we haven't really talked any more. I think we are all afraid of what the next step is to be honest. Fear should not rule us - Love should.

Sunday, 27 December 2015

Choosing Discomfort for the Greater Good?

So here we are again - seriously this time. Quite some time ago Andrea and I discussed the possibility of having another baby, of making 8! Now with Craig in the picture we are considering it again, so I guess we have jumped and will be making 9.

I will be frank with all of you, as much as I touted my emotional growth, security and everything else - I was a mess. Really, the only viable thing that prevented a severe breakdown during Andrea's pregnancy with J (I have decided to stop using the kids' names and will go back through me blog entries one day and change all these) was the fact that it wasn't my turn, and we would have a baby at the end. Pregnancies previous to J's had gone her, me, her me, so she was next. Now it's my turn - that viable reason is gone. And Dammit I still want to be pregnant. I still want to feel kicks. I want it all. I don't remember completely, but I don't recall doubting loving the child, as I have loved the other boys with ease and they are my children no questions asked in my mind, but it's everything I am missing out on. Everything I will never get to experience again. It's living the pain of that and trying to choke it down so that I don't ruin her pregnancy.....again.

Because that's what I did. I've learned she was resentful of the baby and didn't really want it for the first 25 or so weeks because I seemed so indifferent, really I was just trying to survive this actually happening. She was also severely depressed at points which I didn't know about. She never felt she could enjoy the pregnancy because of me. That's all my doing.

I want another baby, our family does not feel completely yet, and I have always wanted 6. We all finally, after months of delay, had the conversation on whether or not we all wanted a baby, should have it, when, who, how etc. I knew it was coming. I knew they would both say her because of my illness, even before we had the conversation I knew. But I tried to have hope - because I wanted it so desperately. I feel like I am starting this all again. I feel like I have never been an NGP before and this is all new.

I feel like I should be happy. We made a very important decision, but I just want to cry right now. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, I even went a little crazy and bought something baby'esque today.

I just wish, as always, there were more blogs with NGP's who had a hard time. I doubt I'd ever find a polyamorous NGP blog, but it's not always roses. I am now also in 'competition' because Craig has only ever known this side, and he is good at it, he will do well supporting her - which is good for her, but now I will be able to see first hand what I should be doing and feeling.

UGH, this is all so stupid. Why do I have to be so damn flawed and broken. That's how I feel.

So I guess I am announcing my come back a bit to the blog world. I hope I still have some readers. I hope I still count as a valid NGP, I hope I do better this time than I did with J. I must have faith in myself.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

He Grows

Jove is amazing. He keeps getting older and cuter. He loves Star Wars, probably because his brothers do, and much to my dismay. He loves playing with my belly. Still loves cars and trucks and diggers and dump trucks and dozers and rollers and tow trucks and everything with wheels pretty much. He still has no hair. Still isn't potty trained. Still sleeps in our bed and still nurses.

I would post pictures of him but I can't connect to my phone right now. Trust me on his cuteness.

As with all children, as he gets bigger I miss when he was tiny. I miss when you could wrap him up and carry him around and he would snuggle into your back and fall asleep soundly. Well, he did that with me anyways, never with Andrea.

He loves his family fiercely, they are his top priority - including grandparents. He always wants to make sure everyone is okay and happy. He gives hugs, kisses, and nose kisses away. He is polite, of his own accord, never forced. He is a joy to parent and I appreciate every moment with him.

That is my struggle. I don't have a lot of moments. I leave for work before he is awake. I get home around 5:30p and he is usually in bed between 6:30p-7:00p. So I see my precious boy for an hour a day. He misses me, I think, though he did admit so today. But does he really know me as a parent, or does he know me as that fun lady who he see for such a brief amount of time every day? This isn't an NGP specific concern, this is a working parent concern.

These are his formative years, these years are when relationships are fostered and I am not here for them. I am not here to nurture him or to help him develop into the man he might one day become. I am here for an hour a day when he is tired anyways. I wonder what role I have. Sometimes I think in the NGP world it would be more fair to have the one who is working be the GP because they will have that biological connection, that I do believe exists in 90% of parent/child relationships, whereas the NGP will be given that simple gift of time. That being said, both parents should be able to have time away from work when a new baby is born and it is a damn shame that more time can't be taken. I could only take 4 weeks off, and that passes so quickly, and it wasn't nearly enough time - though I don't think any length of time could really be considered enough time.

I am sad for the time I have already lost. I am sad for the time I am losing by working. But I am grateful for the time I do have with this amazing son of mine (and all my children).

There simply is not enough time in the world to do everything that one must do.

Friday, 4 September 2015

No Regrets

So yesterday I let Jove run barefoot without pants down the street in the rain,


I do not regret this decision,

Life is too short for shoes...or pants...

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Fleeting

I wanted to share this on my blog. It's not just about Jove - it's got all of my kids. We try to make a video each year, well Andrea does. But man do they grow quickly, and soon though they look big now this video will merely be a memory of their childhood. 



Jove also got a twin bed yesterday so he is out of his crib now. Well, I guess the crib had been converted into a toddler bed, but now it's gone and a twin bed is in its place. When did he get big enough for that? I look back at the first video of the kids that was made:


Where he is just a heartbeat inside Andrea, or her belly rolling. Then he is born. Heck in this first video is Remy walking for the first time - and now in the second Jove is running around. 

Time is all too fleeting, and the years pass oh so quickly - even when the days drag on and on. 

I cry when I see these videos, I honestly do. I want to freeze time. I want to commit all these things to memory but I know memory will fade, these moments are fleeting and most of them they won't even remember themselves. That's the biggest struggle as a parent is watching them grow up and letting it happen. I already miss baby Jove though I am adoring the time I have with him now - his vocabulary is exploding. 

Today I am grateful. 

Monday, 17 August 2015

Is it over?

So I wrote not too long ago about how babywearing was mine and Jove's thing. It has been what grew our relationship and what really bonded us. It is where I felt closest to him and that I was nurturing him an an attachment sort of way. It's what most made me feel like a mother rather than a caregiver.

I usually take him grocery shopping with me every weekend. It's like our date, and every week I wrap him. The past two weeks I haven't been able to. Before we get to the grocery store he is already yelling for Andrea, and if I can get past that mood of his when I try to wrap him he just yells no (I know, I know, he's a toddler and they love that word), and throws himself back in his car seat. Or he just screams as I am trying to wrap him. So he has sat in the little seat at the front of the cart. Yes, we still have fun (for the most part - he is a toddler and they love to touch things), but there isn't that same bonding and attachment that we get from babywearing.

I know he is getting older, and I knew that one day our wearing days would slowly come to a close. I honestly didn't think it would come this soon and I am worried it has begun. I am worried about how I will continue to attach to him, and him to me. He doesn't come to me for comfort or anything. I am a great play mate. We have fun, we drive cars, he jumps off of my various body parts - but I don't nurture.

Maybe this is just a phase, maybe I just need to keep at it. I don't know. I do know I am sad. I am sad at losing this.



Plus I have some really pretty wraps that I don't want to sell ;)

Monday, 10 August 2015

Normalcy

I just love the crap out of this little guy. Seriously he is the cutest toddler in the world, and I would have 18 more of him in a flash. He loves to be naked, never wears shoes, takes me on adventures and loves to go up with me. I get the laughs, and the tickles and the smiles and all the good things. I still can't comfort him, and he is still very reliant on Andrea, but his independence is now going in waves. 

His vocabulary is expanding. Everything is said in toddler-ease which is a language no one but a toddler can replicate, and man does he have it mastered. His tastes in food are also very toddler-esque - they change day to day, moment to moment. He also won't drink anything other than water in his water bottle; though he will gladly drink coffee out of my cup. 

We have been through immense changes since I last wrote. We were kicked out of our old place a week before we had to be. Seriously, our landlord went insane and was threatening us and walking around the house yelling. We moved the entire house in 4 hours! We stayed at Andrea's dad's before we could move into our new place. We got a new kitty - who is as of yet unnamed. I am commuting to our old town every day for work, Andrea is starting her education center - things are just blossoming for our family. 

The question of whether to have another is still on the table. 5 is a lot of work - yes, and so would 6. Jove is a handful and Andrea is feeling all done with nursing him and I doubt wants to sign up for the long haul again. Though I could, theoretically, nurse a new baby which would add a whole new element to the relationship. There are logistical reasons, and emotional reasons both for and against having one more. It feels like an almost impossible decision to make. 

For now we are so so happy with Jove, and our family, and our lives. It's nice to be in some semblance of routine and normal.